back to square zero - and beyond.

My PC is back since Friday already, but I took a couple days before posting in hope to get my thoughts in order before writing them down... although it doe snot appear to be of much success.

This may be the longest and most messy post I've made yet.

So basically I'll just throw up my mind all over this post, although I'll try to keep things in an understandable way.

I'm not even sure where to start.

I'll just take whatever comes to mind.. uni. Okay. Uni.

2nd semester now, It's kinda-sorta like the first. Some subjects are obviously really good, some just make zero sense. Some are pretty fun, some are fucking boring.

Related to that: fuck working in groups. Fuck it. 

The main idea of this course of study really gets in my way there. We're learning how to produce mainstream-games. Meaning that we'll always pursue mainstream-concepts while studying. My mind doesn't fucking work that way. I don't care what plot would have the broadest target audience, I wanna make a game about a NEET lost in her own reality... except that I alone am no group, no one else wants to make that game, and so I'm just going to get added to some other group. AMAZING. How FUN. Going and doing shit I didn't have any intention to do from the very beginning with people I won't talk with ever again when this is over.

I'm not even mad at them. I'm sorry for them for having to put up with me, since I barely contribute something useful and skip classes more often than not. I'm not even sure why I'm mad or at what. It just pisses me off beyond reason. 

Honestly, I'd rather have nothing to do anymore with any of this. I mean.. I can talk with people n stuff, I can ask em something If I need help, there are even some people I could say I'm acquainted with by now, but still... I don't like any of them. Probably the same vice versa. 

It's the type of person I just can't handle. People having their lives perfectly in order, talking about internetsy stuff like memes, /v/ and all that... yet they have no idea what my type of person even is yet alone are able to relate to it. They all got totally shocked when some docent in contentdesign-course mentioned rapelay as a game that has very small target audience and all gone totally "WHAT THE FUCK HOW SIIIICK! HOW COULD PEOPLE EVER MAKE A GAME LIKE THAT!"

Yea. There's totally not a whole industry making lolicon-, rape-, incest-, gore-, whatever-eroge. 

They appear so clueless about everything. Probably its the same vice versa here also, I can't possibly relate to any of them being out every day meeting other people or partying.

I don't even know. I thought about taking a travel-semester studying in Canada or Great Britain, also about dropping this and applying for psychology at another uni... 

Yea. I don't even know. 

I don't feel like doing anything here at all. It all seems like such arbitrary stuff that shouldn't be taught in uni, it's stuff you gather yourself on the internet when you want to do it and just get while you do it. Well, I'm not going to think I'm a good judge for that anyways, should they do whatever they want.

So that's uni...

Next thing, which was probably already kinda noticeable: I can't seem to give a fuck anymore. About anything. 

I used to rage a lot at games, now I'm just going  absolutely objective. I'll tell others simply what I think, if they agree fine, if they don't I'll leave em no matter what shitstorm comes my way. 

But that's the smallest part.

It applies to Uni also though. More classes this day? Fuck that, I'll get grab some food and go back sleeping. I'm doing that way too often. I just can't be assed. I don't see any use for that knowledge, if you can even call it that! If I needed it, I could just look it up. There's no reason to memorize it. No need to practice it. If I need it, I search for it, read it, and apply it. End of it.

Last semester I still had horrible regrets everytime I skipped lessons, I mean, what if we had something important, what if they took attendance, what If the docent noticed I was missing, did the other students notice? Did any of them care?

I certainly don't anymore. I don't even care what happens in general anymore. If I fail uni? Duh. I can still just randomly work at some small crappy company can't I? If I live alone in a small shitty 1room apartment there'll always be some way to get the living costs in. Whats the worst that can happen? I'll just go with whatever. I'll go wherever the flow of time will take me. It doesn't make any difference anymore. 

And for some things I feel really bad about it. When I know I should do it, it's not even much, won't cost me anything, but its just fucking fair to do... and I fear messing it up completely and then have that thought becoming the dominant reason why not to. For example commenting on peoples posts. ;_;

All I really need is in my mind. That's a really calming thing to know. Although unnerving at the same time. 

It feels like there's several personalities in my head, but some are busy suffocating under a shitton of pillows. I've long planned to try and make some kinda graphic visualization of what I think goes on in my head... but that'll need some serious work. maybe next post, maybe later, maybe not. I'll see.

By the way, I still don't believe my head is how it should be like that nice man of a psychologist said. I doubt that will happen anytime soon either. 

In general, my basic state of mind is where it was in the long break between school and uni. I don't give a damn about anything, and If hell froze over. Although that might have been cool enough to get me moving to see it - Most things I do are things I do on a whim. It's like my rational thinking just goes black for a couple of minutes, and when I realize what I'm doing I've suddenly replaced my headphones with a loose connection with new ones and started tinkering together some papercubes:

 

 And it does feel good to actually make something. To create something tangible I can take into my hand, throw around, or simply crush. Even if all it is are fucking papercubes. I might make some 3D models out of those patterns and let some 3D print as a necklace or something. But only after I know where the fuck I can get stuff 3D printed as well as for what price.

Next thing that really bugs me: food. Eating in general. I think my last real meal until today was a kebab last friday at uni. Then I drove home, and for the weekend I almost only ate some cookies and drank iced coffee. Its mostly milk, so I guess that's not all too bad. My parents didn't have anything to eat. The fridge was almost empty except for some bread, cheese, and like 6x1L milk. I didnt ever notice before how little food my my parents buy If I'm not there choosing different stuff I'd like to eat some time. 

My parents didn't even notice that I barely ate anything.. welp. Back at uni I just skipped the second class I had to go buy some bread rolls, meat and milk for here. And I only ate anything because I was nauseous from drinking too much milk. 

I probably already wrote it somewhere, but it was always like that, I never really had hunger. I'd just eat when I felt like tasting something, or if I didn't (for example because we simply had nothing there I remotely liked) I would eat when it's bad enough to cause a headache and nausea.

Until now I've always made sure to have at least something in the fridge here, so that IF I should forget to eat for a while and then really need something, I always have enough there, but I fear the day when I might forget or stop caring. Walking half a kilometer to the supermarket and half a kilometer back with foodbags isn't fun with a headache and nausea. Sitting at home for a whole Sunday when there simply is nowhere to buy is even worse. I've had that already.

What more was there... oh right, dreams. Lately I seem to get better at dream recall, although I kinda sorta screwed writing them down. Which I actually dislike, but right after waking up, my opinion is a different one, it seems. 

Certain persons are in them frequently. As well as certain symbols or occurrences. 

For example that girls with oversized wings that I called maeve, another girl that always seems to try to make me laugh and distract me from something important that I called daphne, random faces from grammar school letting me know I'm not actually pat of the peergroup, a couple of Touhou and anime characters (for example Saya, Kaguya coughcough and strangely enough really often Ran). Or that kind of Lab I've written about earlier, also that building resembling my former kindergarten that switches appearance quite heavily, as well as a swimming pool with the always same layout that resembles none I've ever seen in real life yet.

The patterns I've drawn also reoccur sometimes in the weirdest places. Sometimes subtle or kinda nicely, but in some nightmares... all over peoples faces.

I've got a particular memory of one of my former female classmates I kinda had a crush on in grade 8. We're

casually talking with each other in class (we were randomly assigned seats and she got the one next to me... was a nice year actually before the shitty grades 9-12 came.), when suddenly the teachers declares lesson for over and runs out. All other classmates are vanished. I look around wondering, she just says something along the lines of "Hey, pay attention" and grabs my arm... and when I look at her theres those patterns flickering over her face while the whole world switched to neon colors... Shes just looking at me, apparently talking to me, getting more and more desperate while I cant hear anything but white noise getting louder and louder while the whole world flickers in neoncolours... and then I woke up.

Another often reoccurring scene is looking at a meadow and how small leaves fly over it, and how the grass sways in the wind... usually followed by a complete switch of surroundings.

Although I (if its not a nightmare) really really like wandering about in dreams, I fear to try lucid dreaming.  If I had a nicer and easier world at my personal disposal, well... what would I need this one for then at all? It does hold the potential to completely blast my mind. I'm not sure I want to risk that.

Oh the possibilities.

I guess that still is my longest post to date.. still less than what It seemed to be before I wrote it. Oh well. Hope it makes sense. 

Until next time.