More thoughts. Also dreams.

As far as I know, many people got a certain voice in their had which is the main thing they think with. They also speak everything they read or write with it. It can take the sound of certain others voices depending on circumstances.

Although the usual thought process is a lot faster than that speaker could ever speak; because no spoken language can be spoken that fast. We only hear that voice when noticing it. Does that slow our process of thought down? What language does the voice speak when we don't notice it? Is it even speaking then? 

In my own experience, it does. Faster. Using every acronym I can relate to, mixing languages, implying certain  causalities without explaining them, and also using a special kind of "words". I don't know how to call them. It's a different form of thought; calling it word might be inappropriate. It's in between imagination, memory and feeling. Some kind of mashup of those carrying way, way more information than any word or sentence ever could. I can't help but feel astounded whenever I notice it. They're used subconsciously, and they're really powerful. But unreliable. They're especially noticeable in dreams, intuitive actions and the state of "flow". 

In dreams you get really fast which feeling a place bears. What kind of character a person has. The nature of the dream. If you're playing a sport you're used to, you're just using the basics instead of thinking about them. 

In flow, you just do things the perfect way without bothering about even trying. Until you notice. And kick yourself out of there. And just have the voice in your head slowly speak every step. Making you think about what you've just done asking if you're sure it was the right way - because your memory of how it's actually done isn't really there; it's remembered as an automatic subroutine ready to grab and execute without actually knowing the parts of it.

I notice things like that a lot lately it appears to me. Just suddenly stopping and thinking... what? What now? What do I normally next now? Luckily my mind usually helps me out after a couple of seconds and just grabs the parts of how to from somewhere. I'm afraid of the moment where I will all of a sudden not remember the way somethings done right anymore when the intuitive movement doesn't work. 

(Although we've all already had a similar situation. Math-test we actually studied for, anyone? Suddenly forgetting how somethings calculated? Slowly having your heads' voice repeat the numbers while you're unable to remember the right function to solve em?)

That's two states of the inner voice. Equaling your train of thought word by word and unconsciously expressing thoughts in a hardly graspable, quicker way. Are there other states? I think one might be able to think of Imagination as a third one. For example, sometimes when playing singleplayergames, I'm thinking about how I would commentate that, or explain it to someone else. Then the voice explains it word for word to a hypothetical audience. Sometimes it's even searching for the right words, since explaining things understandable for someone else is always harder than understandable for yourself. Which then kind of turns my train of thought idle, because that's completely useless thinking. (For the vast majority of time at least.)

But also while imagining your voice sometimes uses a language of associated patterns (That sounds like a fitting phrase); for example when trying to form a landscape in your mind, or generally pictures or music in your mind.

I've yet to experience a dreamscape of papers flying around.

Another thing I'm highly interested in: music in thoughts. I've written already somewhen that no matter if I listen to music or not, I hear music in my head. Different tunes, depending obviously on what what I've heard lately, mood and surroundings.

Although I don't get the relations. Not at all. Sometimes songs stuck in my head are mainly because they're repetitive, easy to memorize, and generally an earworm. I guess.

But sometimes there's randomly switching around songs with almost no relation to neither surroundings, mood or each other at all. I don't really know much about that matter yet though. Saw some threads on reddit, 4chan and other places about that, but they're all mostly agreeing that we're not sure about how and why this is.

While we're on the matter of music: it's obvious that the interpretation of music, as well as of any art ever, is depending on the recipient. Heavily. Although there are some songs that are kind of obvious in things as mood on the first impression, they sometimes contain a faint hint of something else. 

I've got three songs here as example.

First one: 

ATOMIC SPHERE - AMARANTH

Seems like some usual DNB with some repetitive vocals here and there doesn't it? Might be a bit far-fetched, but the story behind this I've got in mind is that of some shut-in trying to live a decent calm life (ba-daba-daba-dadadaa~) while the world around just runs off in a cylone (beat, other voices may correspond to people known to the shut-in without changing anything in the tune its humming).

Another possible story might be someone young-at-heart dancing outside in a rainstorm embracing natures outburst. (Imagining possible stories behind songs can be really interesting actually, as long as they're not having too much lyrics which then give a certain meaning/content on themselves already.)

Second Song:

Hatsune Miku & Gumi - Matryoshka

Everyone knows this song.

Referring to the lyrics my personal ideas to that might not even be strange, but different from what I've gathered to be the most common conception of its general tune: happy, bursting from joy to the point you're dancing seems to be a fitting description of the general feeling of the song. 

Imo, it's some kind of looking at the world knowing that it doesn't make sense. Laughing about it. Everything. An almost mad outburst of the thought that nothing matters anyways. 

Like I said, that might actually be the more accurate idea anyways, having the lyrics in mind. 

And the third:

Nem ﾂ× ﾆ停€卮耽窶堙昶€堙ｱ - 夏、夢、蜃気楼(ヲタみんver.)

Apparently some version of  "What a wonderful cats' life".

I've got no idea what the majority of lyrics mean since I didn't find any translation yet, so I don't know of the intended meaning.

My idea of that is something around...

Living life normally everyday, having some fun here and there. If someone asks, hey, you're fine, your life's nice. You're happy.

But actually, you know, underneath you're not really. You're not even not saying that. You're actually just saying the truth. But all it comes off as is sneaky irony and sarcasm and gets you a funny reception. While your inside dies a little more. (The voice in some parts of this song... makes me almost cringe. It just sounds so much like someone being paid to put up a happy show while actually just wanting to crawl into bed to cry.)

Also, Dreams.  

Yea. I'm gonna write about two since they got me thinking a lot.

First of is yesterdays.

Apparently I'm in some kinda military training-site for snipers. I'm moving outside some big ass-metal door, and then sitting down somewhere on plain ground. Then I don't even know, and suddenly I'm almost lying on my back with a high-caliber sniper rifle in my hands being balanced on me feet holding it up... yea. I'm aiming at someone ~100ish meters away on a hill near some small tree; he's aiming at me, too. He's firing. But out of whatever stupid reason he wields some kind of shotgun so the shots are somewhere around me but none hit even nearly. I'm shooting a couple times with no recoil, but shoot far off, missing him by like 40meters. 

Suddenly I'm associating friend with him, he's called both Michael (english pronunciation) and Tordi at the same time apparently. (via some game I knew two people being called that who were associated with each other; two separate persons though). From my view some meters left of him there's a black guy, apparently an instructor, shouting at him. He switches to a sniper rifle. I'm shooting again, missing by far. He's shooting, I see the bullet flying in slow-motion; I roll to the side dodging the bullet. I roll back and fire again, missing apparently. He fires again. Bullet comes in slow-motion. I can't move, it's sleep-paralysis I know, and therefore have no problems being hit.  Upon being hit I hear an excruciating sound of bones cracking and flesh exploding before waking up. I realized while writing don the notes that before being hit I knew I was dreaming, I knew I couldn't move due to sleep paralysis. Didn't think such things would randomly occur to me. Apparently they do.

Another dream from 4 days ago made me pick up .flow again. Wow. So much changed. So much things got polished. it surpassed its inspiration, Yume Nikki in so many ways. 

I'm walking around a hospital, nothing out of the ordinary. Days go by, apparently I'm hospitalized there for some reason. Some day I notice a certain room whose citizen never comes out at any time and decide to take a peek. It's a young girl who on the first look has white hair and pale skin,wearing a simple white dressthingie like you get in hospitals before you get operated/examined and some fancy-looking red and green flower accessories (or tattoos?) in her arm and face - until I notice, these are actual flowers. Growing out of her. When she sees me she hides behind a cardboard door making some miserably squeaking noise. I apologize, and she looks at me from behind the door. I tell her I think she looks beautiful and try to smile, but sadness from her expression overwhelms me.

It's terminal is all she says before my clock wakes me up. Fuck clocks and getting up at time.

I was so useless that day anyways.

Anyways, that girl reminded me in many ways of .flow, so I've played it again. I'm doing terrible, turning the game off every 15minutes because I'm too scared. Which judging from other peoples opinions is apparently pretty strange keeping the pixelated graphics in mind. The atmosphere just creeps the hell out of me. The fleshwall areas, generally bloody areas, and holy fuck the hospital areas.

Derp-april-fools-joke? This must suffice.

What else did I do lately? I picked up Minecraft again playing on some peoples server. Uni-wise I'm in a group for "project management"-course building a beauty-lifestyle-website for the campus. What the...?! Since aliceffekt apparently didn't have time to hang out with me when he was in Berlin I've got a couple hundred bucks for free use. I might get a Wacom Intuos tablet. And some manga. And most importantly, this:

Seeing threads over threads about fumos on jp really made me crave one.

Welp, that was long. I guess I kind of expected that, seeing as I've just let my thoughts flow out, for the most part actually without overthinking them in my mind and instead letting my hands find the words to express the associated patterns I think of writing down. Or that's what it felt like most of the time.

I've got kind of a new favorite phrase. 

"Smile, even if no one in the world is watching."