Just where is it going~?

Back at uni after easter. Was like every other weekend as well.

My expression when thinking about it.

Everything I had was my mum making drama about how she got a work-placement finally and wasn't able to meet the requirements and so got sent home again. It's not like she'll ever find work again I think, her physical condition is crap, she never learned anything, and her mental condition isn't really good for anything either. Is it cruel I wish for her to have it end? For my own mother? Might be selfish as my father and I would be way better off, frankly. I don't know when it got to this. I don't have any warm feelings at all anymore for my mum. I'm just sorry for her. For everything she does. For everything she says. I'm sorry for her to her aquaintances. I'm sorry for her to my sister. I'm sorry for her to my dad even. She manages to upset everyone if the conversations goes remotely to the right topic. And if it does, she will insist in talking until everyone listening takes a stance of "staring at her with evil intend until she shuts the fuck up and decides to leave." It has not failed once in the last month. To no one. She usually starts crying then and says to herself how stupid she is and how she can't get anything right and how she doesn't understand anything anymore and that it's her fault, and that everything's always her fault, and then, that people always say its her fault, not like she would mind, now, would she? Ha!

And then I can't help but feel sorry for her for her own sake. It'd be merciful If something would end it for her, wouldn't it?

I don't see her much though. I'm at uni-dorm. If I'm at home I'm in my room almost all the time, only coming out when I have to, so I see my parents at dinner/when they need to tell me something and look into the room. I can almost feel my father thinking about why he has to put up with her still. I think about it, too sometimes.

It's a simple reason. Society. No one who knows her and us would forgive us ever. They might know what we have with her. But no one would agree on abandoning her. It'd be the most easy choice. But it would be kind of evil... I doubt she would survive that mentally.

I don't want to think like that but I can't help it. I 'm more sad about It because I tell myself I must not think that low of my mother. I don't even know.

But that wasn't even what I intended to write about; it just crossed my mind and before I knew It spew out of my hands. It's certainly an unnerving matter though. I try to suppress the thought.

Another thing though, Which I intended to write down to begin with. Having had another day at uni, another day of exercises of how to tell a story, I again noticed the same thing: we're being learned how to produce games/stories that appease to the masses. As well as being trained to have our own project, manage it and publish it, successfully.

I still don't know about this. This isn't what I intended to do for money. I should've never gone here and started that. I don't know if I want to finish this at all. I might just turn around and run. Every minute now it seems. But then again, It seemed that in school already. So I'll probably just go through with it... as far as I can. I get the feeling it won't be all the way seeing how little I'm in classes and how little I actually work for it. Bah, I couldn't care less. My mind decided there's no incentive, no reason, no goal. No benefit. Truly outrageous pieces of art do not bloom from teachings but from the very soul of an idea, if you have it you have it, if not you won't get it no matter how much you learn and try. Although for some It's just buried deep and they have to try hard to see the idea and make it bloom.

Or help it otherwise.

Anyways. I've thought about, whenever and whyever I'm out of this field of study I might study psychology. I've always liked it. And It's my single biggest concern about the world; understanding what my mind is about, that is. I feel like this might be the most promising possibility to make honest, real progress into that direction. Making games nearby is always possible. Or just write.Or draw. I don't need to "study" conceptualizing ideas into art.

But where will this thinking get me? Certainly nowhere high. I'm okay with this. I want a simple job, with reasonable pay, and a small apartment. Maybe some spare money to treat myself then and now. I don't need to make some big breakthrough, go around being the messiah bringing peace and enlightenment to the world while curing cancer by touch. I want to live... that's about it. No high goals. No fulfill-able wishes.
Maybe a better physical condition but that won't come by miracle. (No really. I'm nauseous as fuck by simply walking around campus sometimes.)


Ah, like I said, that wasn't even what I intended to write about, but hell It feels good to have it off my chest. Next post will come soon-ish then, about states of mind and mood which I actually wanted to write down.

One of these times where it's painful to even get out of bed. I could sleep all day. 

Good night for now then, I guess.