Consciousness, Mind, Self

I've read that with loss of reality comes loss of self-consciousness. But what does that even mean? Suddenly forgetting my body surely not. I also doubt anyone could diagnose that himself. After all, everyone got his own consciousness, his own self and mind, and therefore cannot compare that to any "standard" of how it should be.

I've got a feeling that it might be helpful for me to try and actually phrase my self-understanding in words... although the written words probably won't really come near to the underlying thought. Anyways, I'll try.



If someone asks: "Who are you?" the first thing that comes to mind is your name. Your name is something you'll react to when called, even if barely heard or not sure if it was a voice at all or just imagination - it'll alert you and tell you someone wants your attention when called. Nicknames may also fall under this category if used often enough, as well as the one referring to does accept it. Therefore I'm actually having 3 names by now - that alert me instantly when i hear them and feel addressed.
Denis - my given name, what people call me in RL. I hate it. It originates from Dyonisos, the Greek god of lust and wine, as if given to me to mock me. Also its not the version with two n, but the one with one n, making it the one usually referring to females. While that wasn't really anything negative it still bugs me to this day.
pix / pixl - My usual all-around netname. The group of people I'm often talking with on skype that I've known for a few years now calls me like that. Over time all others switched over to their real names, but when I said I don't like my given name, they just continued calling me pix, and I'm pretty fine with that. Due to the fact that I'm talking much more via Skype than IRL I've gotten as accustomed to that name as to my real one.
Over the last couple of months I've gotten also a 3rd name that I'm reacting to just the same way - Alice. Strangely enough it's a girls name again, originating from my former LoL-name on EU: REDALiCE. A whole bunch of British, french and Benelux people that I'm playing all-mid-draft mode with added me in skype, and so I've talked with them for countless hours as well. They're slowly switching over to their real names also - just I'll gladly stay "Alice".

Just falling on the ground and staying there for a couple of minutes thinking is a strangely calming motion.

But are these names "me"?

I doubt it. They're personas, all three. IRL I'm trying to be nice to people for the sake of them stopping to bother me. As pix and Alice I'm only talking and writing to people I want to, which already is a lot better. But still, I'm trying to keep up a certain mask of ... what, actually. As pix I'm also trying to be nice, trying to seem okay at all times, like my life is just like theirs, I'm just way more of a nerd, but that's okay, it's not like i'd actually fear social situations or skip classes due to anxiety or stay awake a couple of days because I can't get a minute of minds rest or something, is it?

Those personas represent an important thought. If people aren't biased about me, it's easier to get help or something else from them in the future, should I need it. If people think I'm nice and helpful and smart and just shy and a loner, they wouldn't deny a request should I have one sometime, would they? Etiquette alone already compels them.
The other thought is fear. That they could find out how my train of thought works. That I couldn't care less about any of them. That I don't want anyone to find out I'm not nearly as smart and helpful and nice as I try to seem. That they'd mock me. Or pity me. Or exclude me from every social interaction. Or worse, try to help me.

Because... if anyone tried to do that, then that would imply there's need for it. That there actually is a problem. And I couldn't reason around it.

Is this what it means? Losing self-consciousness? That I'm not even sure anymore what my character actually is like due to using personas to communicate? It might be. Its got a strange feeling to it. It feels kind of ill yet calming at the same time.
 Like some room that's always kept empty for visitors, and everything that gets in is buried under the rug. To the point where its obvious that every kind of crap is under there.

What I'd give to be that pillow...

I'm thinking of seeing a psychologist. Not sure if I have to pay for the treatment in Germany myself or not, if there's one near, or how to even approach them or tell them why I'd want to. Sigh...

Can't decide... staring at both way too often.

I've needed over two hours to write this down. I'm nauseous and got a headache now, but I'm glad I wrote it. Guess I'll start reading Katawa Shoujo now, too.