So yeah, that last week didn't work out as expected. I didn't do shit to say it right out. Cept the usual wasting my time playing LoL, osu, Pokemon.
But it should get worse.
Oh god why.
On Tuesday I've decided I'll reread Saya no Uta, which I wanted to do for quite some time already anyways.
It was the first eroge I've played, and at that time I didn't really know anything about.. anything regarding VNs, Eroge, Netculture, Guro, well, anything. It quite killed my mind, depressed me, while making a really memorable experience for me, since its pretty much the pinnacle of possibilities for introverted love stories.
As in, everything in the world but you and your loved one is a monster... no other human to interfere, no need to interact with anyone else. It probably made me lolicon, as well as think about personal reality, moral, and what the goal at life should be. About how certain events can turn your life completely upside-down and make it both hell and heaven.
I've thought about, what If that happened to me. My mind is weak, I might have succumbed to insanity in very little time. Alone having no sight is one of my worst fears. And upon regaining it, seeing things like that? I would've lost my mind in minutes I think.
And if I saw Saya then, I fear my reaction would've been more similar to that of the neighbor than Fuminori.
Anyways, I didn't think it would have any great impact on me upon rereading, but i was kinda wrong. The same sadness and longing overcame me again. The same thought. Does the consensual reality matter? Can't I give it up for my personal reality? Because that would be easier to shape according to my wishes.
Buried in thoughts like that I spent a couple of days, apparently even my parents noticed altough I'm usually trying to be absolutely neutral to everyone, them included. They didn't do anything though, I doubt they could anyways, my bond with them was never really strong. I've picked up my sleep schedule of sleeping from 16-24 again, I just feel more comfortable at night.
At friday I've told myself, fuck it, you'll change something, else you'll be done before long. And so I did. Searched for a psychologist in town, and gone there. He decided to see me right away, which was nice. I've written something down on paper, roughly an A4 page in small writing, inspired by what nevah did. The guy read it, and then said I should try to say it, what my problem is. I told him I don't know exactly, my mind feels too incoherent and mazelike to just outright pin down one reason why I feel I needed to go there. And then he sighed and told me to get lost.
I thought I didn't hear right, and then he said I should just go about my life, I'm young, things happen and I'm wasting his time.
I got home in tears, luckily my parents were out, I didn't tell them and don't plan on ever doing so. When the tears calmed down, I searched for... anything to turn my mind on, away from what was in my head at that time, and so I've decided to watch anime.
The Nichijou episodes I had randomly crashed my PC, so I've randomly opened another folder, and probably got lucky. I had no idea what usagi drop was, but I've watched the first half, slept, and watched the other half right away.
It's a story about a guy in his thirties, who lived alone since he got out of his parents', and working in some retail-store. Upon being called that his grandfather died, he comes to the family-home to hear that his 76year old grandpa left behind the 6year old girl Rin. No one really wants her and his family is being upset how grandpa could have had a daughter at this age. After he randomly gets accused that hes never doing anything anyways, he decides that he'll take her in and raise her.
This is probably the most heartwarming anime I've seen yet, changing my view of the world again completely. Even if you're in a totally standard job, nothing to actually live for, nothing special, there's nothing wrong with it. Some day you'll find something that's worth living for, whatever it might be. In his case it was an adopted daughter. His focus on life changed completely, as she now permanently required his attention and energy, repaying him with her love and trust. The story is unfinished though, there are plotlines hanging around, also I'm badly informed, but my mind tells me there will be a second season. Hopefully.
It kind of made me come to a worldview along the lines of, you can't fail that bad that life's too bad to live on, unless you really try to. I don't have to get onto the carrier-ladder in my next 5 years or die in hell, either, as long as I can kind of provide my style of living I will be fine.
Not the week I thought about having, but at least my state of mind got a bit farther. I guess that's a good thing.
Some other things I'd like to post about.
New boards on 4chan, yay. I like /vg/. Although I'll still waver around /jp/ and /b/ mostly I guess.
I've taken a liking to this kind of pictures:
From his facebook.
It's obviously a lot simpler, but basically the same idea of moving around with mechs blasting each other in multiplayer battles. Can't wait~
Uni. I've failed math like 80% of the course, and passed Linux with a C. Other results still TBA. Kinda saw that coming.
Due to aliceffekt devoting his life to gamedeveloping now and having quit his job, I don't know if his plans regarding coming to berlin in march have changed. If they do and I've got no reason to keep my money for a trip to berlin due to that, I might preorder the US version of Saya no Uta to be imported. I'm also thinking about getting a bamboo-tablet as well as maybe getting some posters or figures to make my room look more appealing. If anyone knows where and how to get those touhou-plushies, I'd be most grateful to receive this information.
I might change the blogs design soon. I don't feel like this one suits me anymore.
Take it easy.
I am now jealous of the plushbear.
What that psychologist said was shocking. What an ass, though he may be right but it's still too harsh.
ReplyDeleteUsagi Drop is definitely a good series. But from what I've heard about the manga, I don't think you'd like a second season.